I Am A Teen

Do you know someone who died?

You are not alone. Many teenagers experience the death of a friend, parent, brother, sister, grandparent, or other relative. You may find that it is difficult to concentrate at school. Many teens say that things that seemed important before the death may not be such a big deal now. Some teens hear well-meaning people tell them to "get over it" and "move on".

Grief comes out in many different feelings. These emotions are normal and healthy, as long as you are not hurting yourself or someone else. There is no set time for grief. It takes as long as it takes and is different for every person. During this time, there are some things you can do to help yourself along the way in your journey of grief: try journaling, talking to a trusted friend, and look at our “Things that can help” page for more ideas. And please, let the school counselor, parent, or other trusted adult know if you have thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else.

Remember, you do not have to be alone. Judi’s House can connect you with others your age who are going through similar experiences. Join a grief support group for teens, where you can talk freely with others your age.

Things that can help...

Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens, Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
When you're a teen, the death of someone you love can be especially difficult. Being a teen is hard enough; being a grieving teen can feel completely overwhelming. This book was written to help you understand and deal with your unique grief. It gives you lots of really simple, practical ideas and suggested activities.

If the person died after a lengthy illness, understand that you'll still need to mourn.
When someone you love is terminally ill - and perhaps in pain or discomfort for days on end - you may well feel relief when the death occurs. This is normal and natural and in no way equals a lack of love for the person. In cases of terminal illness, family members and friends typically start mourning the loss well before the actual death. But this doesn't mean you'll be "over it" when the death occurs. You still have a need and right to mourn in the coming weeks, months and years.  Even when you know someone is dying, you can never really be prepared for the death. We're never really ready for the death of someone we love. The death may still feel unreal and shocking to you.

Express yourself
Close your eyes and remember what the person was like before the illness took hold. Write about these memories in your journal.

If the person died because of an illness, learn about and raise money to cure it.

If the person who died had cancer, heart disease, multiple sclerosis or another illness, maybe it would help you to read up on the illness' causes and current research into prevention or cures.

You could channel your grief into volunteering for an organization that funds medical research, such as the American Cancer Society or the SIDS Alliance. Many such organizations conduct annual neighborhood funding drives. Maybe with your parent's help you could be in charge of fundraising for your neighborhood.

Express yourself
Do some research online today and learn more about the illness and how many people it affects each year.

If the person who died was killed accidentally, talk to someone about your "if-only" thoughts.
Car accidents, airplane crashes, sporting accidents and other sudden and unexpected events sometimes claim the lives of people we love – often, young people whom we feel were to young to die.

When someone dies suddenly and without warning, you may feel regretful or guilty that you didn't prevent the death somehow (even though you couldn't have). "If only I had called, he might have missed that flight." "If only I'd told him the roads were icy …" "If only I'd told him I loved him one last time." These are normal and natural feelings of regret. Expressing them will help you move on in your grief journey.

Express yourself
Has an "if-only" thought been bugging you since the death? Talk to someone about it today.

If the person who died completed suicide, know that he made his own choice.
No one drives anyone else to complete suicide. A mental health disorder, a loss of hope, feelings of victimization, entrapment or self-loathing are some reasons people choose to take their own lives.

It's important for you to know that you or others are not to blame for someone else's decision to commit suicide. Still, after a suicide survivors often feel a ton of difficult feelings. Writing or talking about your natural feelings will help. Remember - you are not at fault for this death.

Express yourself
With your friends or in your journal, talk or write about the thoughts and feelings you have had since the death of someone to suicide. Why did this happen? What feelings do you have toward the person who died?

Release your anger in constructive ways.

Sometimes you may feel angry over losing someone you love. Anger is part of grieving and is a healthy emotion. What you do with your anger, though, can sometimes be harmful.

Develop ideas for constructively expressing anger. Learn to recognize the early physical symptoms of approaching anger - tensed muscles, rising body temperature, a clenched jaw, stomach discomfort. When you first notice these signs, go to a place where you can release your anger without harm to yourself or anyone else. If you're angry at the person who died, at God or at someone who may have contributed to the death, reach out to a trusted adult with whom you can explore your feelings. Remember - express, don't repress, feelings of anger. Just find outlets that won't harm you or anyone else.

Express yourself
Dance, run, flail your arms, jump rope, smash a tennis ball against a wall, punch a pillow. Strenuous physical activity can be the best outlet for anger. It also increases your endorphins - naturally occurring chemicals that make you feel better.

If you have a pet, let her comfort you. Pets can sense your feelings. They often show they care by wanting to be close to you when you're feeling blue. The presence of a pet and the unconditional love she feels for you can be a tremendous comfort when you're grieving.

Enjoy the quiet presence of your pet. Know that you're safe telling her how you're feeling. She won't judge you or offer advice. She'll just be there for you.

Express yourself
Allow yourself to cry in front of your pet. Stroke her. Tell her how much she means to you and how glad you are that she's here.

Memorialize the person who died.
You can probably remember the person who died in lots of different ways. Reflecting on her special qualities may make you sad at first, but this is a good way to keep her spirit alive and honor her life. Was she understanding? Funny? Artistic? Smart? Offbeat?

Choose your favorite characteristics. Then think of a tangible way to express them. Pour yourself into creating something that will be a tribute to the person who died.

You could paint a painting, write a poem, build a garden bench, volunteer in her honor - anything that pays tribute to her unique life and personality is fitting.

Express yourself
Write a poem or a song, create a dance, sculpt clay, paint a picture. Dedicate your creation to the life and memory of the person you've lost.

The above excerpts are graciously donated by Alan Wolflet, Ph.D. from his book Healing Your Grieving Heart For Teens.